Plane trip to New York
There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket.
'Excuse me' she said 'you only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat.'
The blonde was very stubborn and said 'Im blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York.'
So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same.
'Im blonde and beautiful and Im going to new york.'
This went on throught 4 other flight attendants.
Finally they went to the captain and told him the problem.
He said 'I can handle this' and went to talk to her.
Hw whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class.
All the flight attendatns were shocked and they asked him how he did it.
He said 'I told her first class wasn't going to New York.'
Jeperady
Jeperady!
There is three blonds playing Jeperady. The anoucer says, "This is the final question. How many "D's" are in Jeperady?" The first blond goes 1." He goes up to number 2 and she says "1000." "I'm not even going to ask," the anoucer said. He goes up to the third blond and she says "33" How did you get 33?" he asked. The blond goes, Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...
New Secretary
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."
After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"
"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".
A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"
"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."
The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."
The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"
The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase
'on the other hand'."
A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.
A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat.
"Now I am a consultant."
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant
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You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
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Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
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How about paying us based on the success of the project?
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This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
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Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
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I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
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Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
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I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
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The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
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Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.
- Girl to Boy :darling, ek 1000 ka card send karo mera balance end ho gaya hay, tum to waise b mere aashiq ho na!
- Boy: mein tumara aashiq hoon UFONE walo ka "damaad" nahi.
- New pakistan team for worldcup 2011
- COach : wasim chakram
- team:
- bekar younus
- rashid takleef
- Shahid afriki
- Inzamam full duck
- Shoaib kambakhter
- MOhammad yousuf
- umer bull
- kamran khatmal
- kana naveedul hasan
- Mehman butt
- Extras
- baiman farhat
- danish maleria
- Mouse to elephant: 2 din k liye apni Neaker dena.Elephant: ha....haaaa........haaaaa pehnay gaa kia??Mouse: nahi......beti ki shadi hay,Tant lagwana hay.
- 3 Admi namaz par rahy(itfiq se) tay,samnay se gada guzra ,1st:-nay gaday ko hatanay k lia awaz di,2nd:- nay kaha k namaz main nahi bulte3rd:- nay kaha k shukar a k main nay kuch nahi kaha
- GIRLS 1970: Jia beqraar hai aai bahar hai, aa ja moray baalma taira intzar hai,GIRLS 2006: Jia beqraar hai aai bahar hai, aa ja moray baalma WERNA DOSRA TIYAR HAI...
